The Life I Knew is Gone … The Unexpected Path of a Phoenix

I'm sitting here, thinking about life. It feels like my old career, my old path of climbing the corporate ladder to make six figures and become successful in society's eyes, is crumbling in every direction. It feels like that part of my life is just gone. Even my dreams lately have been about possessions being taken from me, leaving me with nothing. In one, a houseboat tips just enough to leave me steady, but the boat is emptied of all possessions. In another, I’m starting over in a new country, and I have nothing.

It's interesting to see that while my career has ended and we've used up all the savings and resources from it, the other parts of my life—my family, my love and acceptance of myself, my connection with nature and a higher connection—have significantly grown. I am left contemplating the idea of abundance. When I heard the word "abundance” in my previous stage of life, my mind naturally first goes to money and things. Even when I was making the annual income that I always thought would make me “successful”, it always felt like we needed more, or that we were living month to month. I was stressed, exhausted, and always left wanting. Seeing that side of my life crumble is hard because my career was tied to money. Money was the reason for my career path, for accepting the jobs that I did, and being the breadwinner needing to support my growing family.

You may be asking – where is this desire for money coming from? I mean beyond the typical societal expectation for it. For me, it had to do with the struggles that past generations have gone through. I wanted to break the cycle of generational poverty. My grandmother would sacrifice for her children, and my mother worked a job she didn't like for income to ensure my brother and I had everything we wanted. My parents fought over money, and my father had to leave the family home for better job opportunities in other cities, leaving my mother to sacrifice not only her relationship with my dad but also to act as a single parent with two young children.

Of course, there are other things that slowly evolved over time. In university and early jobs, we are taught to always aspire for more – more money, more achievements, higher titles. It was simply what was expected of us after we graduated with our degrees. Frequently hearing messages that a woman would never aspire to make the same amount as a man also lit a fire in me to prove those people wrong. So started the steady, unforgiving climb for “success” in the corporate world.

Unfortunately, this climb led to many things that were not abundance. Yes, the income we both had were giving us a good monthly net of money. With that income, however, came fighting over where to spend it, burnout, long working hours, struggling to find childcare … the list goes on and on. So, I left the corporate world to pursue a life of less. I still pushed for goals, but now instead more goals of freedom and choice, and less goals of achievement and success.

Where has that left me?

Although our money situation is not where I would like it to be, everything else in our lives are bursting with abundant energy. We are happy – now laughter and dancing is a frequent experience in our home. We are making more homemade meals, my kids can come home whenever they need, as I’m always there. We have had to make new sacrifices – we no longer buy the newest phone when our contract runs out, we are more careful with our purchases, and we don’t take as many long trips. However, we spend more time together, enjoying each others’ company and living in our truth.

Earlier this week was a significant moment – or at least a very symbolic one. The car that I bought while on my path to becoming part of the corporate world, aka during my master’s degree in engineering, died suddenly as my husband took it to the mechanics shop for an oil change. All right before I was planning on driving it for an 8-hour drive to Calgary so that I could attend my latest certification in Soul Coaching. It feels symbolic that the car, bought during my old career, died as I head toward a new turning point in my life. As everything from that old life, that old path, is crumbling around me, it felt like the final straw clicking into place.

I'm grateful the car broke down here and not in Calgary. It feels symbolic of shedding the insecure girl who followed society's expectations. My body is literally shedding skin, symbolizing the shedding of who I was—a limiting belief system trying to prove myself to societal expectations.

During all of this, I happened to start reading The Way of the Wizard by Deepak Chopra. The day that my car died, and I was having all the mixed emotions of my old world crumbling around me and the upcoming turning point into my new chapter, I happened to be opening up the page to lesson 14. This is what it said:

Wizards do not grieve over loss, because the only thing that can be lost is unreal.

Lose everything, and the real will still remain.

In the rubble of devastation and disaster are buried hidden treasures.

When you look in the ashes, look well.

-          ­Lesson 14, The Way of the Wizard, Deepak Chopra

My car dying felt like a message from something larger than myself. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes as everything around me crumbles. Despite the struggles, I find immense joy in my new path. Every day, I am meeting new people on this path. I am learning new lessons. I am uncovering past beliefs that no longer fit, allowing me to let them go. The biggest lesson I've learned is about goals. I used to love making goals, but they were typically tied to societal expectations, like making a certain amount of income or having a certain title. Reaching for these led me into a life that didn’t fit, which led me to stress, burnout, and unhappiness. I now reject the idea of creating goals because society dictates it.

Instead, I have been contemplating the concept of simply “being”. I’ll likely write another article about this concept that I’ve been turning over in my brain, relating to shedding the concept of “should” or “have to” or even “need to”. For now, I want to focus on connecting with my inner self – the small inner voice that has become louder as I take this journey to becoming a Soul Coach ® Practitioner. I am doing my best to go with the flow, practicing embracing the observer instead of the busybody fighting an uphill battle.

I think that's all I can say on the matter at the moment. I am trying to simply be.